I’m sorry to report that we did not hear a heartbeat on Friday. I’m devastated, yet I’m OK. I still can’t get over how exciting it was to have this surprise and I will be forever grateful for the experience.
Since we did fertility before, we missed out on a lot of the excitement when you first find out you’re pregnant. I’m sure it’s that excitement and surprise that will get me through this loss.
In the ultrasound, we saw an embryo. It was larger than it was 2 weeks earlier, so I thought there was a chance we just needed to focus in to see the heartbeat. But it just didn’t happen.
My baby grew only about 4 days since the previous ultrasound which was 2 weeks earlier. So you could concur that it stopped growing shortly after the first ultrasound.
She said it measured 6 weeks 1 day. The doctor said that technically, we don’t necessarily need to see a heartbeat at 6w1, but it should have grown more in 2 weeks. Based on my LMP (last menstrual period) I should be 8 weeks 6 days.
So it’s not that far off, but just not feasible. I firmly believe that because of my age, she is automatically assuming a loss. I wonder if I was 10 years younger if she would say to wait and see. My doctor is clearly not an optimist! But I’m OK with that. She’s a realist and doesn’t want me to get my hopes up.
Basically I am waiting for my baby to miscarry. I don’t know what has to happen, or how long it will take.
My doctor gave me 3 options.
- Wait it out and let it happen naturally.
- Take medicine, at home, to induce contractions.
- Schedule a D&C to have it surgically removed.
She said the safest is to do it naturally. I left her office with the medicine thinking I would prepare to do it at home over the weekend when my husband is home. I miscarried a blighted ovum about 10 years ago and the pain was off the charts. I ended up in the ER.
I got a script for a pain reliever so I can take that when it happens. I’m definitely scared about the pain. Based on my experience before, I think I have several hours once I feel it starting before the real pain begins. So I should have time to get the pain meds and get my husband home from work. Or have a friend come over to watch the kids. *Still nervous!
Which Method I Chose
Like I said, I left the office with the meds to induce the miscarriage. But I read a bunch of stories Friday night and I ultimately decided I will wait for it to happen naturally. I felt that God wanted me to be pregnant, and God will take it away. I have to let it go and let it be in His hands.
The stories I read were Amazing! Basically 3 different stories about women who didn’t see a heartbeat, were told they were losing the baby, and went home to wait for the miscarriage. Ultimately they ended up having babies!
I promise I’m not delusional! But I’m just going to wait. I don’t need to ever wonder if I killed my baby.
What the Future Will Bring
In case you didn’t previously read, or I didn’t make it clear, my husband did NOT plan for this! He thought (we both thought) that it wasn’t possible, so while he was making me happy that we were “trying”, we never thought it would happen.
So he’s been more of a realist for the last month. “How are we going to pay for this?” While our 2 kids are crying, “and you want another one?” It went on and on.
Even after we got the bad news, we’ve been talking about it. “You’re going to be 60 when they graduate from high school. Do you really want that?”
Yes, yes I do. I LOVED being pregnant! And who doesn’t love a little baby? Well the good news is, I think we’re going to try now!
Trying now is different than trying before. Now that I know it’s possible, it will definitely be different. But I’m kind of excited about getting healthier, so my body is willing and able to conceive and carry a baby. And if it doesn’t happen, it’s OK! I will be healthier for trying. And just like it did for the past year, it will make me happy “trying.”
I’m getting things in place for after the miscarriage. There were a few things I was doing to “help”, so I will add those back to my routine, plus add a few more things. I guess that’s what I will write about next!
I appreciate you reading and any prayers or positive vibes you’re sending my way!