My due date is almost here, but I won’t be having a baby. I’m sure that I’ve mourned enough over this miscarriage. Yet I’m becoming increasingly aware that I won’t be having a baby this week like I was supposed to.
Being that it’s the week of Thanksgiving, I was looking ahead and thinking that I wouldn’t be seeing my family this weekend like we usually do. But rather than missing our yearly trip to Michigan, we will be attending Thanksgiving dinner with my husband’s family. And I will see his cousin who is about 30 weeks pregnant. We’ll do all the things we normally do for Thanksgiving. And for that I should be thankful. I know I should be! I am very thankful! Yet part of me is not.
Maybe it’s my fault for not properly grieving the other babies that I’ve lost. We had an ectopic pregnancy right before a successful IVF in which we had our daughter. Since I was pregnant with our daughter when the due date would have been, it didn’t even phase me. Or maybe it’s because we were never given a due date?
Six hours after seeing the heartbeat in my fallopian tube, our baby was being carved out of me. I was told the pregnancy test was negative, so I never got excited. It all just happened so fast. That baby came and went in a matter of hours.
Immediately after recovering from the ectopic pregnancy, we did an embryo transfer. That transfer was successful and both embryos implanted. Yes – 2! Sadly, at my 9 week appointment, we found that baby B’s heart had stopped beating. I was crushed. CRUSHED. But I was still pregnant and after some time, I was happy that we still would come to know baby A who is now a delightful 4 year old little girl.
Bottom line, this isn’t my first loss. So why does it feel so painful? Truth is, I’m crying now over baby B. I guess that none of these losses were any less painful.
After the ectopic pregnancy loss, my husband and I went on a spontaneous trip to Key West. It was short, but wonderful to get out of town and do something fun. When we lost baby B, we still had baby A that we were very much looking forward to meeting. I guess it’s what happens afterwards that helps to shape the path of recovery.
I think what I’m suggesting is distraction. I’m certainly not saying to ignore the pain entirely. But having a distraction, or something else to focus on, is a great way to ease the pain of a traumatic event.
I don’t know that a distraction will work for me this time though. I don’t know that we’ll keep trying and that’s part of the pain. Have you been here? I don’t think there are answers. Just empathy.